A Not So Subtle “Fuck It!”

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I may come under fire for what I’m about to say but I really DGAF . . . not anymore.  I’ve come under so much fire in the last few years for so many things that really are utter BS that I’ve got nothing to lose at this point by being brutally honest; brutally honest again & still.   Honesty . . . interesting how it’s what so many claim to want from the world yet when given an audience to another’s honesty they attack.  They attack because they feel attacked themselves.  Seriously!?  When you ask me for my honesty then please have the integrity to hear it for just that, MY honesty . . . not a perception or belief that I’m trying to get you to adopt or even believe in.  Just be the fucking observant listener to what you asked for . . . my honesty.  And if you don’t agree or see it that way then that’s okay.  Honestly!  If you ask for what is my truth then have the courage & courtesy to hear it.  Simple.  If you are looking to hear only what you want to hear, or to be validated in what your truths are . . . then don’t ask me for mine because they may not align with yours.   That’s life folks & that’s what makes it crazy, sometimes complicated by our own design, many times funny, often challenging in beautiful ways & it is what always allows us the opportunity to learn, to grow & to embrace an even clearer & greater state of awareness; to infinitely expand our consciousness to accept without having to always agree, to be open to differences while still being able to love others just as they are.  HONESTY . . . honestly.

So here is a little bit of my truths which may or may not offend.  I’m not asking you to agree, to validate or to applaud.  I ask nothing .  I’m a writer & when something strikes a nerve . . . I write.  My writing can be very dark at times, it can also be filled with the greatest of hope & light . . . & many times my writing will strike a nerve in others.  So here’s the 2 degree shift I’m going to suggest if that’s the case with anyone reading this right now.  If any of this hits a nerve, perhaps just acknowledge that.  Acknowledge within yourself that it hit a nerve, that you don’t agree, that it hurt your feelings, that it goes against everything you believe in, that it pissed you off OR . . . maybe you agree & better yet . . . maybe you don’t agree at all.  Agree to disagree?!  Hell yes!  And leave it at that.  If you can’t then ask yourself,  “What am I so afraid of?  What about this makes me feel so mad; so pissed off?”  If you only find security in the belief that the rest of the world sees all your experiences & life lessons through your eyes & has carbon copy perceptions of your own, then you are deluded; and you are probably very sad a lot of the time.  It takes a great deal of energy to get the whole world on board with a single perception or belief . . . honestly.

We all have free will of personal choice.  We can choose to let everything that goes against our beliefs & moral framework make us so angry that we react to everything.  Shit . . . that’s going to take up a lot of time.  Or we can choose to speak out on those things that rattle us to our core, that we are compelled by passion & that can not be quieted.  Passion . . . never let that go unspoken.  Live with passion & follow your passion.  Continue to feed your passion & by default your soul.   Never allow another individual to corner you into indifference & ultimately into silence.

However, before taking up arms to crucify someone for their words, their truth & having the courage to speak, step back & ask yourself if you are being fueled to react by your passion or by your EGO?!  In my humble opinion, one is driven & navigated through the heart.  The other . . . through fear.  Do not let fear keep you from really hearing someone else.  You will not agree with everyone you meet, hell you won’t even like everyone you meet.  Guess what?  Not everyone who meets you is going to like you either.  Sorry . . . another truth.  You are not always going to agree with everything you hear.  Guess what, sometimes a lot of the things you do not agree with will be spoken by the people you love most in this world.  Guess what else?  It doesn’t freakin’ matter!  It only matters if you allow a difference of opinions to tear apart & dismantle those relationships that are of the greatest, priceless value to you.  It only matters if YOU allow it to destroy something that is built & held together by a force far greater & far more powerful than just words.

I’m in no way implying that there are not deal-breakers.  There has to be deal-breakers otherwise we become doormats & allow ourselves to go unvalued, belittled & unloved.   We allow ourselves to become invisible & that is not allowed.  Not ever!  But I’m not talking about those things in what I’m writing about here.  I’m talking about putting our fragile little ego’s aside to have the awareness that, disagreeing does not have to escalate into destroying & dismantling another person’s value or what they believe to be true, for them . . . honestly.

We have all messed up!  That is where our greatest learning happens!  It also happens to be what shapes a lot of our beliefs & truths.  So before we attack, before we judge, before we accuse someone else of not understanding or saying to them “you don’t get it,” I’m going to ask you one thing . . .

Be strong & fearless in speaking your truth.  Speak kindly, be courteous, have compassion but do not fear to speak your truth.  And in this have the courage to allow others to speak theirs . . . honestly.

xo ~ Tonya

Death Prayer

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It just needs to stop.  It has to stop.  That’s all she could repeat over & over.  She was out of words.  She was out of thoughts.  Why the hell could she not be out of feelings?  Why the hell could she not be out of breaths?  Why the hell did her heart continue to beat?  How was it even possible it still beat?  It was too busted up & broken.   It just all needs to stop & she will take any exit to escape the pain & torment that keeps her awake every night.  Her thoughts becoming more sharpened & deadly;  broken pieces of glass.   Perhaps she should have listened to those demons earlier.  Perhaps she should have stopped trying so hard a long time ago.  Truth?  They would all be better off without her.

All she brought with her was pain, complications, frustration & no matter how hard she worked to make herself small & her footprint barely felt, in an effort to make up for everything that she could not & cannot change, it just was.   No matter how fucking hard she worked at letting them all know, “You can say anything & everything you need to say to me.  Ask me anything & I’ll do my best to answer all your questions to so much shit that still doesn’t make sense & never will.  I will still love you.   I always have.  I’ll never stop.  I really tried my best to keep everything from falling fucking apart.  But I failed.  You can be angry with me.  You can even hate me for a while if you need to.  But just let me hear your truths, your questions . . . show me your scars.  You are still beautiful.  I will survive it.  And we will survive this.  Just don’t shut me out.  Please, please just talk to me.  Please.”  But somehow in her genuine & sincere desire to be only love & a safe place for all of them to fall down & heal for a while, in letting them all know that she really meant all that, meant every word, she just sounded pathetic & weak.  She wonders if they resent her.

She cannot make anyone love her back.  She cannot make anyone love her the same way she loves them.  She cannot make anyone believe her either.  She cannot make anyone trust that her words are sincere & not some manipulative game meant to trap any of them.  She is not of the character, that in order to win votes or have them validate her, she would crucify another or allow anger & pain to grab hold of her so strongly that she would resort to destructive retaliation.  No one wins in that arena.  Everyone loses & souls become scarred.  The thing that really fucks with her mind though is this . . . she has no judgement.  She has NO judgement.  But she does feel judged.   She can hear all their words, their pain, their anger, their fears, their frustration & she would never use it to judge them or to take any of it personally.  She can sit there in ALL of that & feel nothing but love for them all.   Always.  This is where she’s arrived.  Her resting place.  All she has to offer is her own truth, which is this . . .  “No matter what, I have nothing but the greatest of & an unyielding love for all of you, no matter how any of you feel about me & no matter what it is you think may or may not have happened.  I have nothing but a genuine, deep, powerful love for you.”

She would die for them.  Maybe she should.  She has failed at everything else. 

xo ~ Tonya

 

 

The Very First Time

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She still remembers the very first time.  After several months of middle of the night conversations & getting to know so much about each other because “talk” was all they had; peeling back the layers of themselves & allowing a deep friendship & ultimately a romance to blossom.  Looking back & thinking about it now it seems absurd, impossible even.  But in the moment when it was all happening, nothing felt more natural to her than what she grew to feel about him as she continued to learn more about him & the man he was.  He felt familiar & it was all so easy & comfortable between them from the get go.  It was so easy & comfortable in fact that she didn’t even realize that she had fallen in love with him until it was too late.   She was already lost in it & it felt so damn wonderful.  It started out as a beautiful friendship & then . . .  it was an undeniable & soulful love.  A love far greater than, much deeper than  & far more true than what she had grown up believing existed in the world.

She remembers the very first time.   She remembers stepping off the tram & pausing for only a second to remind herself, “No expectations . . . this is going to be a great little holiday & at the very least you will have made a very dear friend for life.  No expectations.”   Walking into the terminal with the other travelers she really had no idea what to look for or where to even look.  What would he be wearing?  Did he mention that to her?  Where would he be standing?  Everything just seemed so bright & busy.  There were so many moving parts & it was all a bit dizzying to be honest.  And her tummy? Well . . . butterflies!  LOTS of butterflies.  Happy butterflies, but a whole army of them all fluttering about inside her with anticipation of finally meeting HIM . . . Ed.

She remembers the very first time.  Walking along & not knowing where she was going or which direction she needed to go in & then she heard “hello beautiful.”  She remembers the very first time she saw his face, his eyes, his smile, HIM, standing right there in front of her.  She remembers the very first words she spoke to him face to face, “you’re real.”  She remembers that she left lipstick on his collar when he pulled her close & hugged her like he did.  It felt like home.  He felt like home.  His name was Ed but he felt like home.

She remembers the very first time.  She remembers being in his embrace & thinking, “SHIT!  I’m in trouble.”  She remembers for the first time in her life being very scared that she may love someone who may not be able to or want to love her back the same.  She remembers the first time & being scared as hell & at the same time happier than she’d been in a long time.

She remembers the very first time.  She remembers every sound, every breath & every wave of emotion that rippled through her body.  She remembers the very first time, being the very first time, she truly let go & just allowed “what ever would be, to be.”  She remembers the very first time . . . his eyes, his smile, how his arms fit perfectly around her . . . how perfectly she fit him.

She remembers the very first time & she will till her last breath on this earth.  His name is Ed . . . & he still feels like home.

xo ~ Tonya

Vertigo

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The world has come completely off it’s axis.  Rolling about.  Never still.  At least that is what it feels like.  It feels like all the pieces of what is supposed to be & what were a whole life, are spinning, whirling & tripping over each other while she remains trapped in the dizzying center of it all.  Trying to grab on to all of those pieces & lose ends in a futile attempt to create order.  To give life some sense of structure again.  But there is no where for her feet to land.  There is no base.  There is no foundation.  There is no solid ground beneath her.  She is in the eye of the storm somewhere between what was, what could be, what might be, what she wants it all to be & not knowing for sure what is.  It’s all just out there spinning around her & bouncing off of her while she flails about like a string puppet, trying to catch the bits & pieces without losing them again.

It may be that this moment is the greatest opportunity of her life to build precisely the vision she has held for so long.  She knows that she has not only the resources, the perseverance & the sheer tenacity to do so, she also has the spirit & the heart to see it through; to stay the course.  If she could only remove that one piece.  That one big overwhelming piece that seems to consistently cast it’s shadow over everything . . . this large & very powerful entity that still has control over her & what she can do, when she can do it & how quickly she can make it all happen.  It leaves her feeling powerless a lot of the time.  She is spinning helplessly in the vortex . . . waiting. She is living in limbo with uncertainty being the only thing that is in fact, certain.  FUCK!

She continues to be spun around violently like a rag doll.  Some days she feels like quitting & letting the storm take her to wherever the hell that may be; she just gets tired.  However most days, almost all of them, it’s the fighter in her . . . the warrior & the survivor in her, who raises up her hand & ever so graciously “flips the bird” to it all.  None of it can ever make her want to quit or give up the fight.  She was created in strength & with a will & spirit that is indomitable.

Bring it on . . . she is already winning.  As a matter of fact . . . she has already WON!

xo ~ Tonya

When There Is No Goodbye

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I think one of the worst things we experience as humans is the loss of someone we love.  A broken heart is not easily healed & perhaps it never fully is.  Like all wounds there is an element of healing, but a scar remains as a reminder of the pain & the experience.  Not as a punishment, but more as a reminder of what we learned, what we survived & the resilience of the human spirit.  While my brain is able to logic that loss, is a part of life & part of our journey in growing, learning & living, my heart simply responds with, “this sucks.”

Sometimes a loss is anticipated or we know it’s coming & we can do our best to prepare ourselves to say goodbye, but I don’t believe this makes it any easier.  In fact it probably makes it a lot harder in many ways.   And I’m not all too sure how many of us are able to ever say “that” goodbye.  I honestly don’t know if there is any way to emotionally prepare yourself for that.  Maybe we use the time that there is, to say those things that have been left unsaid; the words we thought we still had the better part of a lifetime to speak, but now realize we don’t & with tomorrow no longer guaranteed, each day & each hour is indeed a blessing.

What would you say?  What words have you left unsaid?  What have you kept inside for fear of being judged, abandoned, hurt; where your misplaced pride & your ego stopped you from being vulnerable, open & true?   What have you not shared with someone because you wanted to hurt or punish them, when you know damn well that a few kind words from you would change so much & make them smile . .  would make you smile?  When is the last time you told the people you love, “hey . . . I love you.”  Not one of us is promised a tomorrow.  But we do have our today . . . we do have our “right now.”

There is another loss that happens all too often & it is painful as hell.   It is losing someone who is still very much alive & in your life. Someone whom you are still very much emotionally connected to because they hold court in your heart space.   To lose someone, or to feel as though you are losing someone, who’s still a huge part of your life & whom you love with all your heart, but who has become withdrawn & what feels like pushing you away, well that . . . is an excruciating pain.  And chances are the harder you try to reach out to them & embrace them, the harder you love them in every way you know how & the more you allow yourself to be vulnerable in all of the uncertainty of what is happening & what you don’t understand in what they are not saying to you, the more they withdraw & push you away into the far dark corners of indifference.  I wish I had an answer or one of those “aha” moments that brings enlightenment & wisdom but I don’t.  All I know is this . . . it’s a horrible, sinking kind of pain & hurt.  You feel discarded, like trash.  You feel like everything you have done up till then & every effort  you make to stay connected to them,  continuing to offer your heart is futile.  Because here you are, offering up the one piece of you that can be damaged beyond repair & trusting that at some point they recognize this . . .  that they remember.

It’s a hell of a risk.  It’s incredibly brave.  It’s one of those selfless acts of love; the selflessness of authentic love.  To step out of your own struggles & fears & to not give up on someone who is retreating from you & all you are willing to give to them & be for them & who may be treating you very unkindly . . . is a massive leap of faith in the healing power of love.

And if love fails, then it’s an even greater leap of faith in the strength of your own spirit & self love to survive it without becoming jaded, without becoming cynical, without becoming bitter.  Without settling for a life alone  . . . without settling for life that is passionless.  It is a testament to the strength & love that exists within you, to heal & move on from that kind of loss, when you weren’t even given the courtesy of a goodbye.  Without hearing, “thank you for loving me when I did everything I could to make it difficult . . . when I refused to accept your love & love you back.”

xo ~ Tonya

Love Wide Open

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Life is better lived with & in love.  I’m not talking about the “I’m in love with you” kind of love, although that is a wonderful & beautiful place to live from.  I’m talking about being present in a conscious state of love & living from there.  Every single day.  No, it won’t be easy every day & yes it’s  risky as hell because it leaves you wide open . . . just like the title says.  But with a conscious effort to do so & be this, every single day,  I believe it does become easier,  because it leaves you open in a way that allows you to receive a constant flow of love from the universe & all things around you.  And I believe that this is far greater & holds more value in our lives, than the risk of experiences we may have in our lifetime, where “loving wide open” results in hurt or loss.

The only way you can truly give love, is if you allow yourself to be open to embracing it yourself, & yes, this is a fucking scary thing sometimes.  For some, receiving love may be seen as a weakness of sorts because in being that open, you are vulnerable, you are raw.  But imagine the immense sense of gratitude & joy from fully receiving love from others . . . WOW!  It sparks the kind of feelings that are catalysts for so much . . . I believe it increases our potential exponentially because in that mindset, in that emotional state of well being & happiness, we cannot help but be all the more aware of all the possibilities & the abundance of choices that are there for us to take advantage of & do great things with.  It causes a universal ripple effect that only generates more & more positivity, acceptance & love . . .  & what could be better or more beneficial to us all?!

However dire or bleak your life & circumstances may look to you in this present moment remember this . . . you woke up this morning & that was no accident . . . you have the breath of life in you & that is no accident . . . you have the freedom to make a choice or choices to try & do something different or better & that is no accident . . . you are HERE, you are LOVED & you are LOVE, you have a divine PURPOSE & gifts to offer this world . . . & none of these are a fucking accident.  They are on purpose & intentional.

And in going back to a previous blog I wrote, Your Certain Death & Your Dash . . . LIVE your fucking dash!  Live it with love . . . live it with faith . . . live it with courage . . . live it humbly . . . but live it & love wide fucking open!

xo ~ Tonya