Next Chapter

It is deathly silent right now as she sits in the darkness of a much too early morning,  yet she could describe what cold sounds like.  Yes, it is that quiet.  Quiet & still.   And in all this quiet, in all this stillness she is waking up, finally.  She is waking up to a peace that has long been hers to embrace, but for some reason she insisted on punishing herself.  She even brought in accomplices to help her with that.  She allowed others to be unkind, she allowed others to make her feel unworthy & bad by allowing their words to affect her.  Foolish girl.  No one has the power to make her feel anything.  It was she who gave their words the attention necessary to affect her & make her feel the impact of their anger, cruelty & silver-tongued attacks.  This was all on her.

But sitting here in the silence she is waking up to an understanding.  An understanding that she always knew, because she really is not that foolish, but that she certainly was not ready to embrace.  She needed to punish herself some more.  Why?  She doesn’t have an answer for that.  She guesses that she allowed her own sadness & utter despair to be the filter system by which she measured herself against the rest of humanity.   And so she did.  But not anymore.  It is true that very few people really knew & know her story. And that is okay.  Those chapters already written somewhere are not the ones that define her.  They are the chapters that allowed her a place to fall down & bleed.  They are the chapters that allowed her a place to heal, to learn & to grow.  They are the chapters that allowed her a place to sort out all the bullshit & drama.  They are the chapters that allowed her to give all that bullshit a decent burial.  They are the chapters that allowed her to keep certain pieces & toss others aside, not because they weren’t important but because they no longer served her higher purpose.  They are the chapters that allowed her to reach down into her soul & find her voice . . . mostly . . . there are still some things she needs to say but it’s not time yet.  They are the chapters that allowed her to make a decision . . . was she going to step into the next chapter being the woman she wanted to be, the woman she was destined to be or . . . was she going to continue to write the same fucking chapters over & over again except for the faces & places?

The sun is breaking over the rooftops.  Threads of delicate golden light penetrate the silent darkness.  The sounds of life begin to escape from beneath doorways out into her space.  Feet are touching the floor & soon this space will be once again filled with life & living.

She thinks about the next chapter . . . it’s fabulous.  This is a fabulous time to be alive & celebrate all that is good & spectacular about life.  And it is so.

xo ~ Tonya